


Setting Sail, Coming Home

by taishige



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, TOKIO
Genre: Cheating, Complicated Relationships, F/M, Leader being drunk and depressed, M/M, Nagase being immature, One big giant mess, Possible dub-connish themes, Some angsty bits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-23
Updated: 2013-06-23
Packaged: 2017-12-15 20:39:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/853822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taishige/pseuds/taishige
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We always return home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Setting Sail, Coming Home

**Author's Note:**

> This was birthday fic for my other half greatfountain <3 I wish I could have written you something better you might like more, but this is all I can write... (;A;) But I hope you like it. ...even if it didn't really seem to go in the direction I was planning on when I started it and it got darker than I thought it would.

It was always Gussan and Leader.

Leader and Gussan.

At least it seemed that way to the fifteen-year-old kid tagging along with the group, anxious to join in, anxious to be heard, anxious to be accepted.

He was always watching.

He watched when Joshima stood outside the building they were rehearsing in, tiny light between his hands until the smoke from his cigarette was rising up into the air. Nagase would mimic it with his own hands.

He watched in the back of the van when Tatsuya would have his headphones in and Joshima would have his head in Tatsuya's lap, eyes closed and tiny snores drifting from his nose. Nagase wondered if he would eventually get a turn.

He watched through the darkness of the tiny hotel room the staff got them for their first tour, when everyone was supposed to be asleep, but he could see the shadow that was Joshima's head bobbing up and down between Tatsuya's legs.

Nobody else ever said anything about it.

So he never asked.

He just assumed that was the way things were. Like parents. They just _were_. Except that his dad had hit his mom. He wasn't supposed to know. He'd watched his mom cry from the cold tile of the bathroom. He was good at watching.

That was the night before his dad went away.

It was after TOKIO had officially debuted that Nagase moved into the dorms. Before that, there hadn't been much need to - Nagase didn't have much work, a photo-shoot here, an interview there, dance around on stage, Tomoya, and so he'd tried his best, shaking and wiggling the way he'd seen those fancy dancers on TV dance. Then one night after practice they'd all sat in a circle and Kojima was crying and apologizing and suddenly he was gone on a plane to America. Things had changed pretty quickly after that.

Now rehearsals and appearances were almost every other day and he didn't have time to commute from Yokohama anymore, so they'd put him in a room with a stand-offish fellow named Yajiro and said "practice singing", so he did every night in front of the mirror, wishing his hair would grow out to cover the acne on his cheeks. He'd reward himself by opening his fanmail, only instead of letters from Kimiko telling him about her two dogs and cats, it was from Yumi and Chiharu and Kuriko, telling him he was better off dead and needed to be exterminated with cockroach spray.

He hid those letters under his mattress.

And still he kept singing.

A week or so after his 16th birthday (his mom had taken him out for shabu shabu, then he'd gone for yakiniku with TOKIO the following day), he'd been practicing late until Yajiro complained about having to get up early and not being able to sleep with all his squawking, so he'd called it a night and spent a few hours staring up at the ceiling unable to sleep. It was unusually hot for November, so he had his covers off and they had a small electric fan going in the middle of the room.

Vrrrm, it spun to the left.

Vrrrm, it spun to the right.

It made the papers on his desk flutter every time it passed by.

The clunk on his door made his heart jump in his chest. A heavy thud, then quiet for a moment, then a series of quiet little knocks. He didn't move.

Maybe it would go away.

He held his breath, watching the fan oscillate back and forth, back and forth.

Then the knock came again, louder, thick and heavy against his door. Yajiro still hadn't moved from his bed, still asleep, no doubt, and as Nagase wasn't keen on him waking up in a flurry of bitching and groaning, he slid out of bed, hardwood floor chilly against his toes.

He padded over in silence.

"Tomoyaaaa..." came the lumpish pile as it slumped over into his room as the door opened.

Nagase prodded it with his foot. "Shigeru-kun, what are you doing? It's late."

Joshima tried to push himself to his feet, but he fell back to his knees with a clunk, and Nagase winced. Over from his bed, Yajiro turned with a groan, muttering something that sounded like "shut the hell up".

"Shigeru-kun, you should go to bed. You'll wake up my roommate." He whispered it under his breath as he knelt down beside him.

Joshima grabbed Nagase's knee, using it to hold himself up, albeit shakily. He reeked of alcohol and cigarette smoke, hair disheveled and half-covering his eyes.

He looked like he was going to say something, but got stopped before the words even left his mouth, face turning a sickly shade of yellow-green and one hand clamping over his mouth.

Nagase's eyes widened, head on a swivel in furtive search until he found his trash bin only a few feet away. He grabbed it, a mess of paper and plastic wrappers in the bottom, pulling it over just in time for Joshima to empty the contents of his stomach into it.

It made his own stomach churn to watch. He had to look away.

When it seemed like he was done, Joshima tipped over, slumping back to the floor with his eyes closed and grime leaking out the side of his mouth. Nagase bit down on his lip, then shoved the trash bin out of sight under his desk before dragging Joshima under the armpits across the room to his bed. Fortunately his bandleader didn't weigh that much, so it didn't take too much to get him onto the mattress. Once he seemed comfortable, he wetted a washcloth at the sink in the bathroom down the hall, using it to clean off his face, cool down his forehead, the same way he'd used to take care of his mother when she got sick. When Joshima groaned and curled inwards, arms holding his abdomen, Nagase began rubbing his hand over the other's stomach, soft and gentle until he seemed to relax, drifting back to sleep.

Nagase didn't sleep much the rest of the night.

And Joshima was gone when he woke up in the morning.

He didn't learn until a few days later that it had been Joshima's birthday that day.

Nagase continued to balance school and work, studying in-between rehearsals, leaving early to get sleep for an important test, trying to skip out on homework but getting lectures from the eldest three in the process.

Taichi took him out sometimes and they'd go kick a soccer ball around one of the local parks.

"You know, you're pretty speedy for a lanky stick."

"You're pretty loud for a tiny midget."

Then Taichi'd treat him to an ice cream cone from the convenience store down the street.

"Taichi-kun, what's going on between Yamaguchi and Shigeru-kun?" His long legs were dangling over the bridge railing above the irrigation ditch.

Taichi bit into his cone with a sharp crunch. He didn't look at him. "There's nothing going on between those two."

Nagase never talked to Joshima about what happened. Neither of them acted like it happened at all - back to business, all smiles, tuning, rehearsals, photo-shoots, interviews, questionnaires.

_What do you like the best about TOKIO?_

Nagase bit his tongue with a little smile, before scrawling in mostly hiragana.

_TOKIO is my family. I feel like I'm home._

And he continued to grow out his hair. Soon he was able to fasten it back in a ponytail. When Taichi began to not long after, he joked about him copying his fabulous style.

Yajiro left the dorms, fed up after another year passed and he hadn't debuted. The others began to leave the dorms too, but simply to find their own apartments. Tatsuya was the first one, and Taichi was soon to follow. Koichi leaving was the hardest on him - he hadn't moved all that far, but knowing that he couldn't just walk over to his room to hang out anymore left a little pang of loneliness in his heart.

He'd just gotten a new roommate, a younger kid by the name of Kenichi, when it happened again.

There was a knock at his door.

He'd been almost asleep this time, curled beneath his sheets to ward off the late fall chill. Rubbing his eyes, his hand went instinctively to his watch on the bedside table, and pressing the button to light up the face revealed the time to be just after two in the morning.

He pushed his face back into the pillow, hand dropping back to the floor.

A minute later the knocks came again, and Nagase let himself slip out of bed with a thunk. Arms curled around his chest, he slid half-asleep towards the door.

He didn't seem as drunk this time.

"Shigeru-kun...?"

He was on his feet, at least until the door opened, and then he was stumbling forward, against Nagase's chest, sliding halfway down to the floor until Nagase's arms instinctively went forward to hold him up.

"Shit... Leader..." He almost dropped him. Finally with a bit of finagling, he got him awkwardly balanced up against his shoulder. "...I got ya..."

Joshima said something incomprehensible into his shirt, trying to pull himself back up to his feet.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa..." Nagase yanked him up under his armpits, already starting for the bed.

Only Joshima's hands were up to his shoulders, up to his neck, pulling him down, wrapping up into his hair as he met him in a sort of half-kiss, missing, falling off before trying to find his mouth again.

"Sh-shit!" Nagase started to push him away, hands clenched in his shirt.

Joshima responded with a whine. He tasted like alcohol - what kind, Nagase wasn't sure, but he was swimming in it. Soaked in it.

"Tomoya..." Nagase could barely even hear it under his breath. Then Joshima's hands were pulling down on his shirt, he was dropping to the floor, and before he knew it he could feel the other's fingers beneath the elastic of his pants.

"Holy-..." Nagase's hands went to Joshima's shoulders, holding him back, but even as he did so he could feel himself get pulled out, could feel the skin of the other's palms around his dick. His breath came out shaky, stilted, heat gathering between his legs as he felt those hands start pumping him, back and forth. He felt like he could die from it, the feeling, the heat, and his own arms fell away, allowing the other's mouth to surround him.

It was fumbly and awkward and Nagase kept his eyes focused on the bed opposite his, on the lump that was his roommate beneath the covers, but Kenichi didn't wake up, and Nagase didn't push Joshima away when he pushed him back on the bed, when he straddled his hips, sat down on his dick, already stiff and hard, up and down, legs shaking and barely keeping his balance.

When Nagase came it made his vision blur, white stars in front of his eyes and he thought it was never going to end for all the feeling that was Joshima tight and warm around his dick. Joshima jacked himself off the rest of the way, one arm trembling as he fought to keep himself up, and when the little clump of white shot out to stain Nagase's shirt, he finally let himself fall off, collapsing into the sheets with Tatsuya's name on his lips.

It was that moment for Nagase that hit home. That moment as he stared up at the ceiling, with his bandleader fast asleep next to him, sticky next to him, that Nagase fully realized what had happened.

His insides twisted.

"Fuck..."

But even as he said it, he was pulling the covers up over them, covering up what had happened, head pressed into Joshima's shoulder, feeling so big yet so small at the same time.

When he woke up, Joshima was gone from the bed, but he saw him pulling his pants on by the door, hurriedly, but stumbling in his half-asleep state.

"Shigeru-kun."

Joshima's eyes were huge, expression terrified as he turned back around, fingers still clasped around the front of his pants in mid-zip. And then he scuttled away, out the door, wordless and leaving Nagase mussed and lost on his bed.

"Taichi-kun, what do you do if you have something really important to say to someone, but you don't know how to say it?"

Taichi glanced back over his shoulder as they walked to the dressing room. He chomped on his gum. "What do you mean by that?"

Nagase pursed his lips together, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jacket.

"...I don't know. Just wondering out loud, I guess."

"Something happen?"

"Nah, I just... I don't know..."

When Taichi continued to look at him, he pushed ahead into the dressing room with his head down, and Joshima hid his face further into the newspaper he was reading on the couch.

A week passed. Another week passed.

A month passed.

Nagase turned eighteen and decided to move out of the dorms. He was ready for a place of his own, ready to make his own decisions. Plus, he'd earned enough of his own money by now that he didn't need to rely on the subsidized living arrangements the dorms provided.

He got a little place in Chiyoda-ku, not far from the buildings he frequented for work, but far enough to give him a break when he went home, to let him feel independent. He decorated the walls with posters of bikes and cover girls. He was a real man for the first time - young and single and living on his own in one of the biggest cities in the world.

"Are you sure you're eating right, dear?"

"Of course I am, mom. I've got a rice cooker and everything. You'd be proud of me."

"It just makes a mother feel better to know that her son is getting the proper nutrition, you know."

He even killed a big nasty brown spider he found in his bathtub all by himself. He only had to stare at it for about five minutes before he let fall his never-opened kanji dictionary right as it was about to unleash its deadly pincers.

He decided that he wanted a girlfriend. He didn't really know why, just that he thought it would fit in with his manly, independent new self and not at all because suddenly watching Joshima and Tatsuya together, watching Tatsuya's hand card absentmindedly through Joshima's hair while they were in the dressing room, watching Joshima sidle up beside Tatsuya, hand lacing just inside his elbow, made his heart clench and his gut drop. Which meant there was something inherently wrong with him that he had to change.

The only problem was he had no experience picking up girls, so the first couple times he tried utilizing his manly finesse and wit, he left with things like soda and beer in his face.

Finally that next summer, right before they were about to leave for their next tour, he met a nice girl named Erika at one of the bars in Roppongi. Sweet, cute, and amazingly enough she actually seemed to find him humorous and friendly. She took him home to her apartment that night and he got laid for the first time (the other time didn't count). It felt good. No, it felt great. Wonderful. He was a bit awkward and timid at first, but she guided him through most of it and told him what made her feel good so he could respond in kind.

He thought about her all during their tour, from Nagoya to Osaka to Hiroshima. And when he got back, he called her using the strip of paper he'd scribbled her number on. Only he'd accidentally sent it through the wash and now some of the numbers had run together, leaving part of it a mish-mash of black ink. He tried to guess the numbers he couldn't make out, but after the fourth wrong number he gave up with a heavy heart.

"Nagase, you're flat."

Joshima's voice was muffled behind his face-mask. He'd put no effort into his attire today, big gray hoodie, hair barely combed over his wiry little glasses.

Nagase grumbled something under his breath, hand moving up to the top of his guitar. Matsuoka was messing around playing diddles on his drumset, waiting for them to get their music fixed. They were the only three there - Taichi was in another one of his moods and refused to come to practice, and Tatsuya was who knows where, Joshima had simply said he "wasn't coming".

"Let's take it again from the top - you were a beat late on the opening riff anyway."

Joshima flipped back in his music. Nagase could barely even see his face.

When they were done for the night, it was already late - well past nine and the sun long gone from the sky. He stood out with Matsuoka on the sidewalk, fingers kneading the hem of his guitar case.

"Wanna come over and play cards or something? I've got beer." Matsuoka dangled his keys in the air, not missing the chance to remind Nagase he'd just gotten his own car.

And Nagase would probably have taken him up on it too, had he not noticed Joshima's little form down by the bike racks, kneeling down beside his bike and looking altogether fed up with the world.

"Maybe another night. I'm actually a little tired." He waved him off, and Matsuoka responded with a shrug before ambling towards the parking garage.

Nagase himself shoved his hands in his pockets and sulked over to where Joshima was examining his very flat bicycle tire.

"Having trouble?"

Joshima nearly jumped out of his skin, popping up from his squat and hitting his head on the handle of his bike in the process.

He rubbed at the top of his head, expression still hidden behind the combination of face-mask, glasses and bangs.

"...flat tire..."

"You'll never get home on it that way."

"I guess I'll have to take the bus..."

A little cricket chirped in the grass along the sidewalk.

Nagase couldn't hear it over the way his heart was thumping in his ears.

He opened his mouth. Closed it. Opened it again.

"...my place isn't far. Wanna come home with me?"

Even the cricket was silenced.

Joshima just stared at him, completely unreadable beneath his mask.

After what seemed like a century, he turned away with a jerk. "It's fine. I'm sick anyway, I wouldn't want you to get it too." Lifting his guitar up onto his back he left the bike alone at the rack and began walking away.

Nagase wasn't sure why he said it. Probably a combination of anger, resentment, embarrassment, self-hate, hope, and the way his heart was twisting in two as he watched Joshima's back walking away from him.

"You're not sick at all."

The other man stopped, strangely yellow beneath the nearby lamppost.

"You just don't want anyone to see how you're feeling."

He didn't move, completely motionless with his head pointed down at the sidewalk.

"Where's Yamaguchi-kun, Leader? Why didn't he come to practice?"

The silence drew on. With every second that ticked by, Joshima seemed to get smaller and smaller, skinny little frame almost melding into the darkness in front of him.

Nagase took a step forward.

Joshima's shoulders were shaking now, tiny little trembles beneath the weight of his guitar.

Nagase took another step forward, and another step, and another, until he made it to Joshima, still crying silently with drops of tears on the lenses of his glasses. He took the other's sleeve cuff and tugged him forward.

"Come on."

And this time Joshima followed obediently.

Because you see, Tatsuya did like Joshima. But he liked girls too. He liked them a lot.

Nagase took control this time. From leading him back to his little twin-size bed with the bright orange throw-pillow he'd gotten at the 100 yen store. From pulling down the other's face-mask as he leaned forward, tongue searching through the other's mouth. From sinking his fingers into his hips as he laid with his rear-end up in the air, pushing in again and again until they were both sweaty and sticky and Joshima melted back in his arms as they fell asleep.

_I'm sorry. I made a mistake._

The note was on his kitchen counter when he woke up the next morning. He crumpled it in his hand, teeth grinding together before throwing it to the ground.

A week later Joshima was riding home after practice in Tatsuya's car like nothing had even happened.

Nagase bought a dog.

"Do you think about girls a lot, Taichi-kun?"

Taichi laughed from beneath his baseball cap, the two of them walking away from the swingset in the park, towards the river and its wider-open space so they could kick around the soccer ball he held in his hands.

"What brought that on? You got a girl you like?"

Nagase ducked his head down, taking a little jog to get in front of the other man.

"No."

One of Taichi's eyebrows slid upwards, and his mouth curled into a grin.

"Oh, I see."

They played until it got dark and they could barely see the ball anymore, almost falling into the river when an over-exuberant kick from Taichi sent it sailing past Nagase's head.

They got beer from the convenience store and went back to Taichi's apartment.

"There is a girl I think about a lot, actually."

Nagase turned his head towards Taichi, mid-sip. Taichi flopped himself back on his bed, unmade and messy.

"We've gone out together a few times now... I'd like to tell her how I feel."

"How do you know if she likes you back?" Nagase scuttled towards him on all fours.

"You just... _know_ , I guess." Taichi absently licked at the condensation on his can.

They fell asleep splayed across each other on top of the bedding.

1999 was the year Nagase cut and dyed his hair. He began getting glances from the girls in the bars. He began getting calls from some the models and actresses he met at work. He started cleaning up his apartment as he gained confidence and began bringing some of them home for the night.

"When did you grow up to be so handsome?"

"These things just happen, I guess." He said it with an easy-going shrug, taking the opportunity to let his hand slide around her shoulder.

"Try to keep it in your pants, would ya? All it takes is one pictures in the papers, you know."

Tatsuya was raising an eyebrow at him from the seat next to him in the van as he answered his third telephone call that day.

"Your jealousy is showing, Gussan." He stuck out his tongue, holding in the 'hypocrite' comment that had first popped into his head.

The next week he and Joshima had a DASH location shoot together. Nagase was in typical good form, full of jokes and childish anecdotes that had even the cameramen laughing as the two of them went from restaurant to restaurant.

When they finished it was late. They stopped at the dressing room after a send-off from the staff to grab their things before making their ways home.

"Good job today, Nagase. You've turned into such a natural in front of the camera."

Joshima had already changed into his street clothes, turned away at the far counter and packing his bag.

Nagase was on the opposite side of the room, face down and staring at the sweatshirt still balled up in his hands.

"Thanks..."

"Keep it up and you may even end up getting some MC gigs."

Nagase licked his lips.

It was quiet again.

Somewhere down the hall he could hear a janitor vacuuming.

"Leader." His voice came out slightly warbled, and as his heart began hammering in his ears, he cursed himself for losing the courage he'd had around all those girls.

"Shigeru-kun... I like you."

_vrooom_

Back and forth, back and forth went the sound of the vacuum.

It was silent behind him.

"Hell, you've been in enough dramas now, you might even get a movie-deal or two."

There was a clunk as Joshima dropped a few magazines back into his bag.

Nothing else.

Nagase felt his ears grow warm.

"Shigeru-kun."

"In fact, if you _are_ interested in something like that, it might even be good to let someone know. Sometimes you just have to plant the idea in their heads."

" _Shigeru-kun._ "

"'Cuz producers don't always have the best memories you see, and they're pretty busy."

Nagase spun around this time. "Shigeru-kun, I _like_ you!"

Joshima's shoulders tensed. He stopped messing with his bag.

_vrooom_

The vacuum was closer now.

"...no, you don't, Nagase."

"Fuck that I do! And I know you like me too, so don't even try to give me that."

Joshima got even smaller, arms wrapped around his chest.

"Don't say things like that."

Nagase's jaw tightened in anger, and before he knew it, he was stomping over, yanking on the other's arm to get him to turn around and face him.

"I'll fucking say whatever I want!"

Joshima brought an arm up instinctively to slap him, but Nagase caught it, hand gripped tightly around the other's wrist. He pushed him backwards, hauling his smaller frame up onto the counter and pressing him back against the mirror, holding his arm above his head.

"You fucking old man."

And then he was kissing him, mouth smashed against his, tongue pushing between his lips, and Joshima melted instantly, hand coming up to Nagase's hair, tangled in it, around his neck to hold him closer, neither one relenting in their assault.

Nagase's hand found its way between Joshima's legs, digging into the fabric, up and down, fingers tracing the seam.

"Stop it..."

Even as he said it, Joshima continued to kiss him, sucking on his tongue as the other's hair tickled his cheeks.

Nagase moved up to the clasp, popping it open between his fingers, pressing him harder against the mirror as it shook from the pressure.

Their lips parted for a moment and Joshima whined, breath heated in the back of his throat.

"... _stop_ it..."

Nagase had him in his hand, dick small but hard in his wide palm. He yanked on it, pulled on it, up and down, again and again, working up speed, Joshima was shaking beneath him.

And then all of a sudden there was a sharp pain on the side of his face. He barely had time to register the slap before Joshima shoved him off, the abruptness sending him tottering back and stumbling into the nearest chair, the entire thing toppling over and his rear end hitting the floor with a smack.

His eyes were huge, wide open, not even quite understanding what had happened for a second, but then he saw Joshima staring back, face as white as a ghost with his body still disheveled against the face of the mirror.

Nagase breathed heavily, the pain setting in along his back and rear end from the fall and making him wince.

Joshima let out a sort of half-cry, voice stuck in his throat, then slid to his feet, shaking hands shoving himself back into his pants and redoing the clasp before he had his bag around his shoulder and was racing for the door.

"I-... I'm sorry..."

And then he was gone.

Nagase slammed the chair into the wall before he left that night, two of the legs breaking off and clattering to the floor. Back at his apartment, he curled up into a ball on his bed, silent sobs wracking his frame.

He and Joshima didn't talk for a while.

Once his stint as Sakuraba was done, he chopped off his hair. Something new. Something different. It was the shortest he'd had it since he was a kid, and it made him feel good, new, confident.

He was getting more acting jobs too, one drama after the next, always getting called into the office to explain a new plotline, a new offer, a new character to portray to attract more and more fans to his beck and call.

"When did you get to be such a hot shot?" Matsuoka elbowed him playfully as the two of them took a break at the water fountain.

"I just roll with the bunches." Nagase straightened his shirt collar with a crisp little snap.

Matsuoka sprayed him with the water.

It was around that time that Tatsuya brought _her_ with him to one of the staff parties. She was different than some of the girls he'd happened to catch Tatsuya with in the past. The aura around them was different. Tatsuya was all smiles, happiness radiating off of him like some heavenly glow as he introduced her to Taichi on the other side of the room.

Joshima was off in the corner, eyes hidden beneath his bangs as he lived out of his glass of champagne.

"Hey, kid. This is Reina. Reina, kid." Tatsuya mussed up his hair, getting a grin out of Nagase who punched him back in the shoulder.

"I have a name!"

Reina smiled and laughed, a hand to her mouth. Her eyes shone.

Nagase left the party and rewarded himself at home with a nice long bath. He got some bath salts going, got out his plastic chug boat, and stayed in until the water began to grow cold. He probably would have stayed even longer had his cell phone not gone off, prompting him to dash naked as a jay bird out of the bathroom and drip water all across the carpet of his living room.

"Just calling to check on how my little boy is doing."

"Ah, mom, you got me while I was in the bath!"

"Well, I'm glad you're staying clean!"

Nagase put his mom on speaker-phone so he could change into boxers and t-shirt for the night, toweling out his hair until it was cool and dry.

When their conversation finally ended, Nagase promising to buy vegetables the next time he went to the store, he sauntered off to the kitchen to grab a beer, kneeling down to rustle Liv's ears from her spot on the doggie bedding.

There was a thump on his door.

He straightened up, lips still attached to the opening of his beer.

Somehow, he wasn't surprised.

He was to the door before the other man could even knock, yanking it open and sending Joshima sprawled across his floor.

He reeked. The smell of alcohol drifted off him in waves, his hair sweaty and grimy and splotches of mud swiped across his face.

Nagase let the door swing shut behind him.

"Hi, Tomoyaaaaa..." Joshima tried to get up, but couldn't quite get the energy, simply twisting around onto his back and grinning deliriously up at him from the floor.

Nagase pursed his lips together, silently setting his beer down on the nearby end table before stooping down to take him in his arms. The smell was even worse up close, and Joshima was almost completely limp in his arms, limbs hanging off at erratic angles.

Without another word, he walked to the bathroom, dumping him into the cold bath water.

Joshima sputtered, splashing about until he got his head back above water, arms searching for the sides. When he finally calmed down he was weighing heavily over the side of the tub, the water now a dirty gray-ish brown and his hair sopping wet over his eyes, rivulets running down his face.

"Goodnight." Nagase shut off the light, slamming the door shut behind him as he stalked off to find his beer and go to bed.

Joshima stayed there, stayed there until he got enough energy to pull himself out onto the bathroom tile, shivering amongst his heavy, wet clothes and curled up in the darkness. Tears leaked out his eyes to join the dirty puddles beneath his head, but nobody would come get him.

He was gone when Nagase woke up the next morning.

"I don't get relationships... how do you make yours work?"

Nagase grabbed Taichi's bag of shrimp chips out of his hands as they sat on the sofa in Taichi's apartment.

Taichi just shrugged. "I don't know, it just... _does_. I mean, it's not like we've never fought, but we eventually always talk things out." He reached his hand out back for the chips but Nagase held it tauntingly away.

"Yeah, well, you make it look so easy." He chomped down on a handful of chips as loud as he could.

Taichi whapped him in the forehead and grabbed the chips back as Nagase rubbed his eyes.

"What, you in a relationship and you haven't told me?"

"...not really..."

"'Not really', what does _that_ mean?"

Nagase took a large gulp of beer, finishing off his second can.

"It's complicated, I guess."

Taichi's eyes were narrowed, but he took another handful of chips and began crunching as his gaze went back to the TV screen.

"You ever talk?"

"What does _that_ mean?"

A roll of the eyes. "With _her_. You say you have issues, well, do you ever talk things out?"

Nagase traced his finger around the lip of his can. "...not really."

"Well, there's your problem."

"That was completely unhelpful."

"You're the one who asked!"

He didn't do it for a while. He was too nervous. He wasn't sure why, but his heart tightened up just thinking about it, butterflies dancing around in his stomach.

"Leader, wanna... come out for a walk? It's gotten so nice, I was thinking about taking Liv to the park."

The other man's voiced sounded so small in the receiver. He didn't answer for a moment.

Then.

"...ok."

Nagase got Liv all leashed up, popped a cap on over his "Gentle Rain" t-shirt, and when Joshima showed up, the two of them set off for the nearby park.

The sun had just started its descent as they made their way through the recently greened trees, giving everything a soft orange light.

"You know what's the great thing about dogs, Leader? They love you no matter what. They'll follow you to the end of time, loyal through and through."

Joshima had his hands tucked in his pockets, hair pulled back in a little pony-tail. Liv was trotting on ahead of them, tongue out happily and tail swishing back and forth.

"But they're kinda dumb, too. Just like me."

They got ice cream from a vendor who'd just started to pack up for the night. Nagase got strawberry and Joshima got pumpkin. They sat on one of the nearby benches as the sun set through the trees and the streetlights began to turn on. Nagase gave some of his ice cream to Liv.

As they made their way back to Nagase's apartment, he held his breath, glancing a bit nervously down at the shorter man before nonchalantly bringing his arm over Joshima's shoulder. He fit in snug and warm. He didn't pull away.

When they made it back, Nagase passed a beer over and they sat on the floor in their boxers and undershirts, munching on sanbei and chocolate snacks as they joked and laughed about the silliest things. As they were heading to the bed, Nagase grabbed Joshima beneath his rear, hauling him up against his chest as the other complained with a yelp, and he didn't put him down until he had him on the bedding, head burrowed into his chest as he worked down his boxers.

Joshima fit into his arms that night as they fell asleep.

And was still there when he woke up in the morning.

"Leader's sure got more of a bounce in his step lately, huh?"

Nagase and Matsuoka watched him from the other side of the studio as they waited for their own turn in front of the cameras.

"He does kinda, doesn't he."

"He seemed in a bad place for a while there." Matsuoka rubbed at his eyes, shuffling his feet on the ground.

Nagase just watched as Joshima smiled with each flash, turning his head back and forth as he repositioned his arms and legs.

"Yo, Shige. I'm home." Nagase thumped the plastic bag of beer down on the floor, bending down to pet Liv's head as she came trotting up to him. It was well into summer now, hot and sticky. All the windows to his apartment were open to let the air flow in.

Joshima was asleep in the middle of his bed, curled up in a ball atop the comforter in his little underwear and tanktop, the overhead fan shifting his hair with its gentle breeze.

Nagase sank down on the mattress next to him, taking in the breeze for himself as one hand curled Joshima's hair behind his ear.

"I can't imagine what your mother would say if she saw how much beer you bought on a weekly basis." Joshima chomped down on the meat Nagase'd grilled on the stove before helping himself to a portion of rice.

Nagase was chewing on his own with his mouth wide open and bits of it spraying out between his teeth. "I'm 24 years old, I'm almost a full-grown man! I can choose how much beer I wanna drink."

"Well, it certainly hasn't stunted your growth at all, that's for sure." Joshima laughed before downing his ice tea.

"Yer just jealous 'cuz you're a midget."

This got him a pea flicked in his face.

But Nagase'd pay him back for it that night against the bedroom wall, Joshima's legs wrapped around him and his fingertips digging into his shoulders.

Nagase loved summer.

Then fall came.

And Ayu entered his life.

He met Ayu at a high-end party he got invited to by one of the chief execs. He remembered being a little drunk on champagne. She'd been too.

"You have a name, or should I just call you the big friendly giant?"

"I'm sorry, is one of the ants talking to me? I can barely see any of you from up here!"

By the end of the night, they'd exchanged numbers with a promise to go out drinking together.

"You're different from all those other idol guys, Tomoya."

A night of drinking had led to a night of fancy dining the following week, Nagase treating.

"I'm my own special breed. You never know what I'm gonna do next!" He followed this up by taking an oversized bite of meat, letting the juice run down his chin.

Ayu laughed at him so hard she started hiccupping.

Ayu was her own special breed too.

Nagase fell hard.

_Tomoya, how about dinner tonight?_

_Ack, sorry, Shige. Got called in for a late night shoot._

Nagase took Ayu to a driving range, boasting about his amazing golf skills before promptly whiffing the ball off the edge.

_You mind if I come over for a bit? Just haven't seen you for a while._

_Dinner with the Sony guys. Won't get back til late._

Nagase took Ayu out to one of the clubs downtown. It was refreshing getting back out into the club scene. He took Ayu home on his back after her shoe-strap broke.

"You little!"

Ayu was in her bra and panties, pillow held at the ready as Nagase chased her around his apartment. She got a well-timed smack in across his face, and he took a dramatic fall to the floor. When she peeped over the edge of the sofa at his "lifeless" face, he bounded back up and hauled her over his shoulder.

He didn't even hear the door slide open.

He didn't look up until he heard a clunk on the floor as Joshima dropped the bag with the wine he'd just bought onto the wood of the entryway.

"Sh-Shige!"

His arm was still around Ayu's waist, her legs kicking out in an attempt to escape.

Joshima stared at him wordlessly.

Finally he simply turned around and walked back to the door.

He left his copy of Nagase's key on the shoe-rack.

"Tomoya, who was that?"

Nagase didn't say anything at first, lungs forgetting how to function.

Then finally. "...guy from my band. Forgot that we'd set-up time to practice."

"Geez, you moron!" Ayu clamped onto his head and began tousling his hair about.

"Stop that, you crazy lady!" He took her into the bedroom with an overzealous growl.

The tattoo was his idea. But she'd loved it as soon as he suggested it.

The other guys guffawed at it.

They'd shook their heads, punched him on the shoulder when his picture ended up in the papers.

Joshima congratulated him on his new haircut. He said he made "quite the fine young gentleman".

"Tomoya, what would I have done if I hadn't met you?"

They were sharing a bottle of wine on his couch, Ayu done up in her little pjs with her legs curled beneath her.

Nagase swirled his wine in his glass before taking a sip.

"Well, you certainly wouldn't be drinking such high class wine."

She punched him in the shoulder with a laugh.

On Heyx3, Hamada asked Joshima when he planned on getting married before accusing him of liking guys. Joshima lost his cool in a way Nagase'd never seen before on camera.

When Nagase went in the dressing room after the shoot to pack up his things, Joshima was curled up on the couch, his shoulders shaking and little sniffs rising up from his nose.

Nagase wordlessly changed into his sweatshirt and jeans, hanging up the stylists' outfit on the nearby rack.

A few minutes later Tatsuya came in, finished talking with his manager in the hallway. Nagase watched him out of the corner of his eye, unsure, awkwardly standing near the door, then he wandered over to the sofa, coaxing Joshima into his lap and letting him drape over his shoulder. One hand came up to rub soft little circles over his back.

Nagase left as silently as he'd entered.

He met Taichi and aiko at the entrance, both of them garbed up in disguisal clothing in preparation for the movie they were heading out to see. They ended up talking for a while as it'd been some time since Nagase'd seen aiko, the woman cute as always and asking about Ayu and how the two of them had gotten along recently.

As they talked, Tatsuya and Joshima walked out behind them. Joshima was leaning against his shoulder, one hand curled around Tatsuya's arm.

They both got into Tatsuya's car.

"Taichi, our movie starts in twenty minutes!" aiko had her hand twisted back so she could see her watch on the inside of her wrist.

"Geez, Nagase, stop talking our ears off, you'll make us miss our show!"

Nagase laughed, slapping Taichi on the shoulder as the two of them waved goodbye before walking off to Taichi's car.

In his own car, his hands curled around the steering wheel, he couldn't get the image of Joshima and Tatsuya out of his head. Joshima's skinny little fingers tugging lightly on the fabric of Tatsuya's sleeve.

In bed that night, as he stared up at his ceiling fan, across his eyes he watched Tatsuya bent down over Joshima on his bed, wet, sticky, thrusting in again and again as Joshima's hands curled into the sheets and his throat let off heated whimpers in the darkness.

He got up and stumbled towards the bathroom, splashing water on his face in front of the mirror.

The next day when Joshima got in the back of the van as they were heading out to their next shoot, he had a soft little grin playing on his face.

"Hey... wanna get... a beer or something tonight? After we're done?"

Nagase had his chin hunched down in his collar.

"Sorry." Joshima was staring out the window, hair whisped about the towel tied around his forehead. "I have plans."

Nagase called Ayu that night and the two of them went out to a fancy place for dinner - a real black-tie establishment, high up on one of the floors of a hotel with windows spanning the entire room.

"Cheers?" He tipped his glass of wine forwards.

"Cheers." Ayu smiled, clinking her glass with his.

Two months later, Ayu left him.

"It's just... not gonna work out between us. Tomoya, you're like my best friend."

She was standing in his doorway. When she'd said she was coming over, Nagase'd expected they would watch a movie, eat snacks, drink some beer. He was standing in his boxers and a t-shirt, bag of chips in his hand when he'd opened the door.

"...but... I mean. Wait. Slow down. I'm not...?"

"I don't wanna lose our friendship, but... I-..." She looked down at her feet, pressed into tiny points in her shoes. "...it's not the same as it was before. Something's gone."

Nagase shook his head in confusion. "What's...? No. There's... there's nothing gone. I mean. I mean, I'll find it. It can't be far, right? Maybe just a little side-tracked. I-I can be like a dog, I can... I can go find it..."

Ayu pursed her lips together, eyes strained. "I'm sorry, Tomoya." Head towards the ground, she walked briskly away towards the elevator.

The chips fell to the floor with a whispy little poof.

The door swung shut behind her.

Nagase didn't even give chase.

He found a shopping bag full of sweatshirts and hats he'd left at her apartment in their dressing room the next day.

"I always figure if someone's not right for you, you'll find out eventually."

Taichi was sitting next to him at the bar.

Nagase's face was pressed into his glass of whiskey.

A few months later, aiko broke up with Taichi.

"It must be that time of year, man." Nagase greeted him at the door to his apartment. Taichi slept sprawled out across him in his bed that night, shit-faced drunk.

A few months later, Tatsuya walked into their dressing room with a sheepish little grin on his face and announced that Reina was pregnant.

Joshima was expressionless on the sofa, looking up from his magazine as if Tatsuya had just told a joke that he didn't get.

"Congrats, buddy. You're gonna be a dad!" Matsuoka was slapping him on the back.

"I assume this means you're making it official, eh? Tying the knot?" Taichi was elbowing him in the ribs.

When it was Nagase's turn to say something, he grabbed Tatsuya around the neck and rubbed a fist into his hair. "Who thought you'd be the first one to go family man, you little shit!"

Joshima didn't say anything.

He smiled with his mouth.

That night, Nagase saved the other man the trouble. He stopped by a liquor store, buying the fanciest bottle of wine he could find, then tooled himself over to Joshima's apartment building and took the elevator to the eighth floor. He curled his lips together, whistling a tune beneath his breath with his free hand stuffed in his jacket pocket.

When he knocked on the door, there was no answer at first.

He wondered if he'd already left for the bars.

Hand up to the wood paneling, he knocked once more.

There were footsteps followed by a shrill peal of laughter, then a heavy thump on the door.

"...sssomebody's at the... door..."

More footsteps.

Then the door burst open.

It was a scent Nagase was all too familiar with. The stench of alcohol, strong, a wave of it hitting him as the door swung wide.

Joshima was a mess - hair disheveled and bangs swooped across his forehead, buttons of his shirt open wide with the thin little undershirt beneath it hiked up over his stomach. His pants were completely unzipped, half-way down his hips.

"Oh. Tomoya." His eyebrows rose in drunken surprise.

Ukaji Takashi came up behind him, stumbling in his own inebriated state, before grabbing him around the chest and yanking him upwards.

Joshima yelped with a high-pitched laugh.

"Ohhh... Nagase-kun! Come join us, we have beer!" Ukaji's hands were roving Joshima's bare stomach, creeping lower towards his nether region.

"Yeah, come on..." Joshima's accent was so strong mixed with his slurred tongue, Nagase could barely understand him. "...it'll be just like old times. I'll even let you tie me up if you want..." His tongue was lolled out of his mouth.

Nagase didn't say anything.

He didn't even change his expression.

He simply walked away, down the hall, back to the elevator.

Joshima watched him in apathetic confusion until Ukaji's hand was in his boxers and he was pulled back inside.

Nagase drank the entire bottle of wine himself that night. He sat with Liv on the sofa and drank it straight from the bottle.

The next morning he was too sick to go into work.

Tatsuya and Reina's wedding was lovely. There was an orchestra, frills, and flowers, so many flowers. Nagase wore his finest white suit and danced with the flower girl.

Joshima spent most of the reception at the bar. When the bartender refused to give him any more drinks, he wandered outside to the patio and smoked a carton of cigarettes.

Time passed.

Their fifteenth anniversary came and went.

Time passed.

Their twentieth anniversary came and went.

Taichi and Matsuoka got married to their respective girlfriends. Nagase's girlfriends came and went.

Joshima's cough got worse. The doctors told him to stop smoking, but he couldn't quit. His thin little fingers snapped at his lighter, the familiar flame near his mouth pre-empting the trails of smoke up to the sky.

Nagase would mimic it with his own hands.

In 2018, TOKIO announced they were ceasing their group activities. They weren't officially disbanding, but they would no longer release singles, would no longer go on tour.

Matsuoka would take the opportunity to open the restaurant he'd always wanted to open.

Taichi became a composer for the new kouhai groups that kept cropping up every year.

Tatsuya spent more time with his kids, taking them out to the ocean as they got older, teaching them to swim and surf.

Nagase continued to act. And when that didn't work, he began spending more and more time on his bike. More and more time at the garage with his buddies, tinkering away, coming home covered in grease.

Joshima... _was_.

"You'll be okay gettin' home tonight, eh Joh?" Matsuoka gave him a friendly shoulder shake, and Joshima grinned, waving him off.

When the others left, his lungs gave off a horrible, rattled cough, shaking his body.

Nagase stopped in the parking lot, keys out in his hands and his car not more than a few spaces in front of him. He stopped and looked up at the sky, already getting dark, clouds in front of the setting sun.

When he looked back, Joshima had left the restaurant, hands to his mouth to light up his cigarette as he walked slowly towards the alleyway a few feet away, disappearing into the darkness.

Nagase walked over and found him kneeled down against the brickface of the wall, a tiny ball next to the trash. He wasn't moving.

"Leader."

Nothing.

"Shige."

The ball grew even smaller, shying away.

Nagase stepped over silently, pulling the other man to his feet, up into his arms, hauling him up by his rear end to hold him against his chest.

Joshima whined, attempting to push himself away. "...don't drop me in the bathtub..."

Nagase just smiled. "I'm not gonna drop you in the bathtub. I'm gonna take care of you."

He took him home with him that night, the same way he would take him home with him the next night. And the next. He took him home with him and cleaned him up, dressed him in one of his big, gray sweatshirts, then curled him up in his arms as the two of them went to sleep in his bed.

"Shige?"

Joshima made a little murmur, the vibrations soft against his chest. He was warm and snug against him.

A perfect fit.

"You know what's the great thing about dogs? They love you no matter what. They'll follow you to the end of time, loyal through and through."

He traced his hand up and down Joshima's back, tiny circle after tiny circle.

"But they're kinda dumb, too. Just like me."


End file.
